


Watch Me Disintegrate

by faiczn



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A lot of cursing, Alternate Universe - College/University, Full on Angst, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Past Infidelity, Post-Break Up, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26744119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faiczn/pseuds/faiczn
Summary: Mark never apologized, not sincerely. Not without excuses or gaslighting him until he hated himself for being so weak and incapable to say no to him. So Renjun never forgave him either and kept wearing his broken heart on his sleeve, for all the world to see.Or Renjun and Mark broke each other too many times and hoped this one last conversation would save their relationship before Renjun's graduation
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee
Comments: 2
Kudos: 43





	Watch Me Disintegrate

**Author's Note:**

> Before I write anything, I just want to emphasize that this is a work of fiction and I'm in no way thinking Mark is capable of being this awful in real life.
> 
> Now that we got that out of the way, I wrote this because I didn't get to write about Mark and Renjun in Risks and All and I'm in the mood for something short and angsty so I ended up with this.
> 
> The title is from the lyric of [Banks' Change](https://open.spotify.com/track/4VHUOjHviVjv2V37QoXTNb)

Renjun huddled around his friends in front of the faculty meeting room. The tension in the air was palpable. Everyone looked antsy, pacing around the cramped lobby with strained expressions and hushed voices. Inside the room, the result of their final project presentation was deliberated by all the mentors.

Renjun’s own mentor already told him that he did well and he would pass with no problem, so he was more relaxed compared to his peers. This would be his last semester in university and he would leave this building with a bachelor degree in an hour.

The door to the meeting room was opened and the collective gasps from the students filled the lobby with suspense. Professor Hill, the head of their department as well as the head mentor of the Final Project Studio, stepped right onto the door frame, ready to make the announcement.

“Thank you for waiting, everyone. You have worked hard for the entire semester and we all could see it in your presentations today. I’m going to read out the result of our deliberation.

“Nicole Kim, pass. Matthew Vasquez, pass. Damion Lester, pass. Shelby Pine, fail.”

The cheers from the students that passed immediately came to a halt and the room was dead silent. All eyes were on Shelby who was pale and shaking all over.

Professor Hill mercilessly pushed through with the list. All thirty one students who did their final project this semester passed, except Shelby and one other older student who Renjun never talked to. Jaemin, Donghyuck and Jeno passed. Renjun gave a hug to each of them, grinning so wide as he congratulated them.

“Renjun Huang, pass.”

Jeno who was standing the closest to him rushed to wrap his arms around him, followed by Jaemin and Donghyuck, burying him in their arms, all tangled together.

The events that followed were a blur. The whole batch went down to take a picture together in the amphitheater behind their department’s building. Jisung and Chenle came out to congratulate them, giving out each of their favorite drinks as small gifts. Everyone was invited to the celebratory party in the bar near the campus. The whole place was reserved for the event, no doubt organized by their kind juniors in advance.

While they were walking to the bar, Renjun’s phone buzzed with an incoming text. The name that appeared in the notification bar on his screen made his heart skip a beat with surprise. Mark Lee.

Three texts in a row. The first one was just the pet name Mark used to call him. The name reserved for only him. _Jun._

“Why?” Jaemin asked when he saw Renjun’s frozen expression.

“Nothing,” Renjun scoffed, hurriedly masked his shock with a weak smile and slipped his phone into his pocket. Later, he thought to himself. He was celebrating his graduation and Mark Lee had no space on this happy day. Mark Lee had no space in his life, he hadn’t for two years.

As much as he loathed to admit, the aftershock still rattled him to the bone. Even when he raised his glass, filled to the brim with beer, even when he took the microphone and sang in front of everyone, the texts doggedly weighed on the back of his mind like a leech refusing to let go.

What did Mark want? They hadn’t talked in more than a year. Renjun had stubbornly ignored his existence, even if they passed by each other in their shared building on campus. He looked away if they happened to occupy the same room at the same time—even when Mark talked to Donghyuck or Jeno or anyone who had the misfortune of sitting between them.

Renjun knew his friends still hung out with Mark from time to time. They tried not to mention him in front of Renjun, but sometimes details of his life still found its way into Renjun’s ear against his will. Mark was still around, going to the graduate school so he could register to the professional board as soon as possible. Mark broke up with Mina Kang sometimes last year and started dating Lucas Wong a few months later. The same guy who used to be Renjun’s roommate in his first year. Asshole.

When Renjun had quite a lot of alcohol in his blood, drunk enough for his good sense to evaporate into the night, he dragged himself to the hallway leading to the bathroom and finally read the texts.

Mark Lee

Jun

Heard you finally graduate, congratulations :)

I tried to look for you in the building but you already left.

_Fuck you Mark fucking Lee. How dare you congratulate me, you had no right…_

Renjun deleted the text he already typed and turned to watch Donghyuck singing Justin Bieber’s Baby at the top of his lungs. The guy would regret it later in the morning when the video of his rendition plastered all over his Instagram feed.

 _Thanks Mark._ Two words. Those were the only things he deserved. Renjun was about to delete the whole chat when Mark replied.

Mark Lee

Jisung said you guys are in Yellow

Yeah

Can I come?

_Whatever man, I don’t fucking care if you come or not. Why the fuck do you have to ask me anyway?_ Renjun thought.

Mark Lee

I mean, everyone is here so...

You can come if you want

I’m leaving right now. 

Don’t leave until I get there, okay?

Renjun didn’t grace him with an answer and joined his friends instead. He downed two more glasses of beer before Mark walked through the door, grinning as he gave Jeno a hug. All four of his friends threw a glance in Renjun’s direction, wary of his reaction but he didn’t give anything away.

Jaemin and Donghyuck stood up as Mark and Jeno approached closer, sharing a tight hug and a pat in the back. Then Mark turned to Renjun and extended his hand toward him. All the other five suddenly busied themselves with their glasses and phones, looking away to give them a tiny bit of privacy. The way they overreacted made Renjun felt even more awkward, to be honest.

“What?” Renjun challenged, tilting his head up.

“Congratulations,” Mark smiled softly and punched cracks on Renjun’s ironclad resolution. His own hand was clammy as he took Mark’s hand, shaking when Mark’s thumb grazed the back of his hand gently. Two fucking years and he still affected him like this.

Renjun pulled back his hand abruptly, embarrassed by his own reaction. “Thanks,” he muttered, averting his gaze.

“Sit down, Mark. Let me get you some beer,” Jeno said tactlessly. Both Jaemin and Donghyuck threw an incredulous look at him. Renjun did not want to sit at the same table as Mark. He would rather go home.

Renjun’s eyes met Jaemin who looked mildly concerned. He shook his head slightly and mouthed the word ‘bathroom’ to his friend. Mark followed his movement as he got up.

“Where are you going?” Mark asked.

“Bathroom?” Renjun was shocked that Mark addressed him beyond the formality of congratulatory greeting.

“I need to go too,” Mark said.

What the fuck was he doing?

Renjun did not wait for him and marched to the bathroom alone. He locked himself in a stall so he didn’t need to face Mark and finished his business. Mark was waiting for him by the sinks, perking up when he got out.

“Jun—” Mark called out.

“Don’t,” Renjun cut him immediately.

“Can we talk?” Mark pleaded.

“About what?” Renjun snapped. “Is there anything possibly left to say between us?”

“We never even talked properly before.”

“And whose fault is that?”

Renjun glared, seething with anger, in complete disbelief with his fucking audacity. Two years ago, Renjun was the one begging for them to talk. After years of a tumultuous affair, Renjun thought Mark at least owed him that, but Mark ran away from him instead. He still did until today.

“I know it’s my fault, I’m sorry,” Mark surprisingly caved in right away, making Renjun raise his eyebrows incredulously.

“Does Lucas even know you’re here?” Renjun asked to provoke him.

A pregnant pause. Mark’s face tensed for a second before he said in a low voice, “We broke up.”

“Oh so that’s why you’re running back to me? You broke up and you need a rebound?” Renjun pounced on the first sign of weakness, quick and ruthless.

“Why—” Mark sighed, frowning. “Why do you have to be so mean all the time?”

Renjun snorted in disbelief. _Who the fuck made me do all this? Who the fuck broke me in the first place?_

“I don’t need this, Mark. I just graduated, will you please just let me celebrate in peace?” Renjun shook his head and turned away from him so he could leave the room.

“Jun, please. I know you’re leaving the city in a month,” Mark actually pleaded. Mark Lee, who was always too scared to be vulnerable, too aware of what people said and thought about him. Renjun could not find a word to say. 

“I just want to apologize.” Mark reached out, definitely going for Renjun’s hand but stopped himself before they touched. Mark used to snuggle up to him as soon as they were alone, can’t help touching him like his skin was sugar and his hands were ants, unable to resist sweet things to satisfy his hunger.

The same pull was still there, charging the air between them as their eyes met. Renjun felt it in his stomach, bubbling beneath the surface. The temptation was almost too tantalizing to deny. 

“Fine,” Renjun looked away, breaking eye contact. “Just let me take my jacket.”

Mark waited by the front door while Renjun went back to their table to fetch his jacket. Five pairs of eyes were on him instantly, with a mix of worry and disbelief as he told them he was leaving with Mark.

“Fuck, Renjun, are you seriously hooking up with Mark again?” Jaemin snapped.

“We’ll just talk,” Renjun said curtly.

“You said that before, then you went on and fuck him anyway,” Jeno snorted.

“Mark’s dick must be goddamn magic for you to keep coming back to him like this,” Donghyuck chuckled sarcastically. Honestly, it wasn’t too far from the truth, but Renjun wasn’t going to admit it out loud.

“I’ll just go out for an hour and I’ll come back,” Renjun sighed.

“As if,” Jaemin rolled his eyes. Renjun ignored him.

“By the way, who told Mark I’m leaving in a month?” Renjun demanded. Jisung and Chenle looked down immediately and reached for their beer.

“Thanks, guys,” Renjun deadpanned, suddenly feeling really tired. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

“I’m going to call both of you if you don’t show up in an hour!” Jaemin yelled as Renjun walked away. Always the protective friend.

The autumn air was chilly and Renjun put on his jacket before he started shivering. Mark was standing near the smokers with an unlit cigarette in hand, smiling politely as someone tried to talk to him. Renjun didn’t call him out, just standing quietly in front of the door, until Mark noticed him.

Mark’s lips curved slowly into a smile, like a slow motion scene in a romantic movie. Renjun suddenly reminded of the time when Mark’s eyes couldn’t leave his face, following his every move even in the middle of a crowd, when Mark had so much love to give, to the point Renjun did not know what to do with it, when they were happy and very much in love with each other.

“Ready?” Mark asked as he stopped in front of him. Renjun nodded, buttoning his jacket to block the cold wind.

“Where do you want to talk?”

“Do you want to just walk around the campus?”

“Sure.”

Mark led the way and Renjun fell half a step behind on purpose so they didn't have to walk side by side, but Mark wouldn’t let that happen. He turned around and waited for Renjun to keep up.

“Why?” Renjun asked sheepishly.

“You won’t even walk next to me,” Mark pointed out matter-of-factly.

“Stop overthinking,” Renjun scoffed.

“I had to, when it comes to you,” Mark shrugged. “You won’t tell me anything otherwise.”

It was true, Renjun admitted reluctantly. That was the root of all their problems. They never talked. Every disappointment, every misunderstanding was swept under the rug, never to be mentioned again.

“So what’s your plan after graduation?” Mark asked. 

Renjun planned to move back to his hometown after he finished with the minor revision of his final project. The graduation was still three months away and he had no reason to stay in the city until that day—or pay for another three months of rent for that. Also, there was a design consultant in his town he wanted to apply for an internship to. 

“I’m moving back home,” Renjun answered with the much shortened version.

“For good?” Mark raised his eyebrows.

“I don’t know yet,” Renjun shrugged. Mark looked annoyed with his curt answers, but he just sighed exaggeratedly instead of coaxing him to elaborate more.

They entered the campus by the side entrance and walked across the empty field in front of the Art School building. Mark kissed him for the first time here, four years ago, in the middle of the rain, hid by an umbrella. The sweet memory turned into a pain to remember years later. Renjun always avoided this field after that.

“Do you remember—” Mark started.

“Yeah,” Renjun stopped him immediately. Mark threw him an impatient glance, but didn’t say anything about it. “Let’s sit down here.”

“No, not here,” Renjun shook his head. They weren't going to fight in the spot where they had their first kiss. As painful as it was to remember, Renjun didn't want to taint the memory.

He didn’t wait for Mark to answer, he kept circling the art school building and stopped near the old classroom that was frequently used as the campus cinema. They sat down on the stairs behind it, hidden from the passerby.

They fought here in the exact spot once, just before one of their many breakups. This was why Renjun hated going around the campus. Too many memories and most of them were better be forgotten.

“What do you want to talk about?” Renjun asked.

“I lied to Lucas about you,” Mark suddenly said. “I didn’t tell him we still hooked up after I started dating Mina.”

“And?” Renjun raised his eyebrows. He wasn’t interested in Mark’s dating life, frankly.

“Well, he found out the truth and he dumped me,” Mark grimaced. “He said he wasn’t going to date a liar.”

The wave of anger that Renjun thought had calmed down rose again in his chest, raging like a storm. He tried to calm himself down, biting his lips so he didn’t spew out poisonous words like he always did everytime he was angry, but it still hurt. 

The old wound caused by the same man sitting beside him gushed open again. Before he met Mark, he didn’t know heartbreak could cause literal physical pain. Now, here he was, clutching his shirt right over his heart because his chest was actually aching.

There was a catch in his throat, but Renjun refused to let down his guard. He never cried in front of Mark before and he wasn’t going to do it now.

The thing was Mark knew all along how much he hurt Renjun. He knew how he got Renjun wrapped around his fingers, unable to let go even after they broke up. He knew why Renjun still welcomed him on his bed after he got himself another girlfriend.

But Mark never apologized, not sincerely. Not without excuses or gaslighting him until he hated himself for being so weak and incapable to say no to him. So Renjun never forgave him either and kept wearing his broken heart on his sleeve, for all the world to see.

“You never cared that you hurt me, but one word from Lucas finally pushed you to apologize?” Renjun whispered, lacing every word with years of pain and anger.

“How could you say that?” Mark asked, actually offended. “I apologized so many times to you already.”

“Then why the fuck are you here? What else do you want to apologize for if you’re so innocent?” Renjun snapped.

The silence that followed was deafening. Renjun regretted his outburst, wanted nothing more than to tuck the moment away and hide it to never be seen again. Always being the graceful one, Mark kept quiet and let Renjun wallow in shame covertly.

“I know I should have done this two years ago. You have every right to be mad at me, but you’re leaving soon and I feel like I still owe you an explanation.” Mark looked down, avoiding Renjun’s eyes. His voice was shaky and he was making circles on his jeans for comfort.

Renjun could come up with three different comebacks, each one nastier than anything he ever said to Mark before, but he had been waiting for this moment for so long and he wasn’t going to drive Mark away just for an instant gratification. So he kept his mouth shut and just listened.

“I just felt so ashamed everytime I see you, like you’re the only one who can see through me, who knew me at my worst,” Mark murmured, almost too low to catch. It was the most honest words Renjun ever heard from him after more than four years of knowing him, loving him, hating him. 

“It was easier to run away than to face you,” Mark grimaced. 

The memory of that time clenched painfully around Renjun’s heart like a disease. It had never stopped hurting, if he was completely honest. How could anyone possibly recover after being used by the person they loved then abandoned without any explanation?

“So you just ghosted me,” Renjun said in exasperation, because there was no other explanation. “If you were going to dump me, at least have the gut to do it to my face.”

“In my defense, we were just hooking up at that point,” Mark tried to argue. “I never promised anything to you. I never said I would leave Mina for you.”

“I never asked that either!” Renjun snorted in disbelief. “All I asked was for you to talk to me instead of keeping me hanging. Do you even have any idea how much it hurt, Mark?”

“How could I know? You said you felt nothing for me. You said you only need me for sex!” Mark growled with the most anger he ever expressed in front of Renjun. He wanted nothing more than to push Mark over the edge and made him snap.

“I fucking lied, okay?” Renjun chuckled dryly to infuriate him even more. “I only said that because that was the only thing you wanted for me.” 

“Don’t you dare put it on me, you wanted it too. You started the whole thing in the first place!”

“Right. Because sniffing my neck in public was innocent, right? Telling me you miss the way I smell definitely didn’t mean anything, right?” Renjun spat. Mark knew what he was talking about. The first time they talked after Mark started dating Mina, they sat close together, too close in fact. Mark asked whether Renjun was wearing his white musk perfume Mark loved because he smelled so good. That was the start of everything, every hookup they did behind Mina's back.

Mark’s face was flushed with anger and shame. Tears already pooled on the corner of Mark’s eyes, but he was too stubborn to let them fall. Renjun felt a sick sense of satisfaction for hurting him, for finally having the upperhand and getting under his skin.

“I know we both started it,” Renjun relented calmly, taking the higher road now that Mark got all worked up. Mark didn’t even hide the distaste in his eyes before he turned his face away and roughly wiped the tears in his eyes with his sleeve.

“But I wasn’t over you and you took advantage of it, we both know this. You got a girlfriend and you would choose her over me, but I didn’t have anyone else Mark. It was always you for me.” 

Renjun could never be this honest before, but he was tired of putting up walls, tired of constantly brushing off Mark’s reckless advance as if it wasn’t hurtful, tired of pretending everything was fine when he was crumbling inside.

And Mark was crying, blinking tears and curling up into himself, wanting to hide the raw emotion on his face as if he wasn’t choking up with heartbroken sobs.

“Mark…” Renjun sighed, circling his arms around him and gathering him close, but Mark wouldn’t budge. In the end, Mark kept burying his face on his own lap and Renjun could only pat his back for little comfort.

Renjun’s own eyes started to get wet, couldn’t handle seeing the man he used to love hurting so bad like this—even if he was the one causing it. 

“I don’t know why you even like me, I’m such an asshole to you,” Mark whispered after he calmed down a little, hiccupping after bawling so hard.

“I wish I know, Mark, but I can’t choose who to love, I just do,” Renjun murmured. Mark shifted a little and rested his head on Renjun’s lap, leaning into his hand like he was asking to be pet and he had no choice but give it to him, caressing his hair gently.

“You gave me too much power, Jun,” Mark said, looking up to him with sorrowful eyes. “You loved too much, cave in too easily. I was young and stupid, how could I say no? You’re my first in everything. I didn’t even know I’m bi until I met you. I gave you everything you asked but it still didn’t work, right? It never worked between us. 

“I thought I would get over you if I date other people, but the wanting never stopped. I always came back to you and you always took me back.”

They were both too similar, attracted to each other like a magnet. Sometimes one look from Renjun was enough and they would find a quiet corner somewhere so they could wrap their fingers around each other, quick and intense. When it got too much, Mark always ran away and Renjun would wait until he returned on his own. It was easy, heavy on trust, weak on temptations, until Mark decided to never come back and the waiting turned worthless.

“You know why I always let you come back…” Renjun started.

“I know,” Mark’s voice strained from a catch on his throat.

“I loved you so much, Mark,” Renjun still tried to swallow down his tears to no avail. “You’re all my firsts too.”

Mark got up and wrapped his arms around Renjun, pushing his nape gently so his forehead rested on his shoulders, letting him cry like a baby, shoulders shaking and breaths stuttering, gasping for air.

Something broke in him, maybe the monument of resentment he unknowingly built over the years. The storm of anger slowly dissipated and turned into a gentle drizzle, washing over him and clearing the haze on his mind. Renjun hadn’t forgiven Mark, not yet, not this fast, but it was a step in the right direction.

Mark held him tight, stroking his back gently until he calmed down. “You know this is the first time you said you love me in person,” Mark whispered in his ear.

“Really?” Renjun murmured weakly.

Mark loosened his arms, looking down at him and wiped his tears from his cheeks. “I really loved you too, you know.”

Their eyes met and Renjun knew it was inevitable. No matter how much they avoided one another, they couldn’t escape it. His whole body was tense with anticipation, responding to Mark’s siren call. Mark leaned in and Renjun met him in the middle. Their lips touched and they instantly melted around each other, like there wasn’t any years of separation between them.

He tasted fleetingly familiar, like the buzz of his favorite beer, intoxicatingly sweet. Head empty, only Mark’s lips, Mark’s touch filled his brain, feeding the hunger that could never be replenished, making him feel lightheaded, as if he was tipping forward on the edge of a river and watching the rush of a stream that was his and Mark’s history. Renjun didn’t let himself fall head first like he used to. Instead, he extended his hand and dipped his fingers, meeting the gush of the warm water.

It was enough for now.

*

Mark and Renjun retraced their steps out of the campus, side by side this time, intertwining their fingers together effortlessly. They didn’t talk, but the silence wasn’t tense like before. It felt nice, peaceful even.

Passing by the field in front of the Art School wasn’t painful anymore. Mark tugged at his hand, came to a halt right in the middle of the field, smirking as their eyes met.

“Why?” Renjun asked softly.

“Let’s have our first kiss one more time,” Mark suggested with a twinkle in his eyes. The lights reflected in his pupil looked like the constellation.

Renjun looked around, made sure no one could see them before nodding. Mark did it exactly like their first time, cupping his cheeks and leaned closer. Renjun closed his eyes even before their lips touched and the brush of his lips felt twice as sweet as the first time.

It wasn’t like the previous kiss behind the classroom, charged with passion. It wasn’t even like their first real kiss, timid and innocent. It was tentative this time, cautious like Mark wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. So Renjun relaxed and circled his arms around Mark’s neck, running his fingers through Mark’s hair just like he liked it.

Mark smiled before he tilted his head and licked his lips open, but Renjun pulled away instead. Mark let out a small annoyed noise, huffing petulantly.

“Come on, we can make out later,” Renjun grazed his thumb over the mole on his cheek. Mark hummed, grinning at the promis.

Renjun clasped their hands together again and tucked them inside the pocket of his jacket. Mark chuckled and led the way back to the bar, giving updates on each other’s life on the way.

It was funny how they literally start over from the beginning, at the exact same spot. Symbolic, in a way, and completely fitting.

And maybe, just maybe, it would work this time around.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/faiczn)


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